HAPPY OCTOBER

It's been awhile. I'm still wondering how I can be 72 years old. I began this blog when I was 54, as a newly retired educator. These days I spend much of my quiet hours reflecting on my life, realizing how fleeting time really is. Since I've started this blog I've lost my mom, my in-laws, my nephew, my close friend, and my husband. But there has also been gains - a new daughter-in-law, two more grandchildren, new friends, reconnections with old friends, and a profound sense of gratitude. I've also faced health challenges - physical and mental, and I've been braver and stronger than I ever thought I could be. People often ask me what I do with my time. It's always hard to answer that question. It's complicated. I can be as busy as I choose to be, or as restful and chill. It all depends on what I need my day to be. What lies ahead for me is a mystery, but I hope I can continue to navigate this journey with grace and dignity and humility. I love this passage from one of my favorite theologians. It is a good game plan for living a soul-filled life. I thank my lucky stars for being given such a life.

"Some moment happens in your life that you say yes right up to the roots of your hair, that makes it worth having been born just to have happen. Laughing with somebody till the tears run down your cheeks. Waking up to the first snow. Being in bed with somebody you love... Whether you thank God for such a moment or thank your lucky stars, it is a moment that is trying to open up your whole life. If you turn your back on such a moment and hurry along to business as usual, it may lose you the ball game. If you throw your arms around such a moment and hug it like crazy, it may save your soul. "

Frederick Buechner

THERE WAS A BOY. . .

There was a boy . . .

Who brought me wine in a Mickey Mouse thermos

Who would read aloud to me from his favorite books

Who brought me new music for listening together 

Who picked me up at 5:00 am to go and watch the sunrise over Barnegat Bay 

Who brought me to the Carnegie Hall Cinema to see classic movies

Who took me to great Italian restaurants

Who took me to summer plays in the park

Who wrote me so many wonderfully funny letters

Who brought me books of authors I would grow to love 

Who took me to stroll through NYC and visit great bookstores

Who brought me daisies 

Who gave me his ID bracelet

Who could always make me laugh even when I was broken-hearted

Who remembered to always kiss me under the mistletoe

Who loved my gingerbreadmen cookies

Who brought me to so many wonderful movies

Who went with me to a Halloween Party as Bonnie and Clyde

Who always, always believed in me and encouraged me to live my best life 

Who loved the Mets

Who loved the theater

Who loved photography

Who loved children

Who loved this crazy, unpredictable life

And made me know my worth so I could love it too.

There was a boy. . . whom I finally got to thank 46 years later!

ON THIS DAY, IN THIS PLACE

It's Sunday morning.  Im sitting outside on my small deck. It's late July.  Birds are singing, a light breeze is rustling the leaves.  In my minds eyes I see my boys in the yard playing with the tetherball.  The dogs are sleeping in their outdoor pens.  Jim is doing some kind of yard work while I'm on the deck reading.  Oh, to hold on to this one perfect, ordinary moment! All gone too soon.  Such are the musings of an old woman, now alone on the deck. Alone with cherished memories on this day, in this place.

STILL LEARNING

My husband and I became Florida snowbirds for awhile - mainly so he could extend his time on the water angling.  Then the pandemic hit and we reconsidered life choices and opportunities.  We sold the Florida place and decided on a three month winter rental in Lewes, Delaware to be near the two youngest grandchildren.

He never got to winter in Delaware. He died. I decided to follow through with our plan and I spent the winter in Delaware.  It was a bittersweet winter, but I was determined to squeeze out every possible joy out of every single day.  It was hard.  It was an extremely lonely endeavor. And I survived. And, yes, there was so much joy to be had.

This past winter, I rented a place for three months in Murrell's Inlet, South Carolina where I could be with my son, grandson, sister, and brother. I've learned over these past two winters that I really didn't need a whole lot of "stuff" to have a happy life.  My time with those I love was wealth beyond measure and these memories will travel home with me.

Finding joy is great! I highly recommend it but don't think it will ever absolve you of that shadow of grief that's always right beside you. How can it be otherwise when your shared life of over forty years changes in an instant. My guess is, only those who are widowed will truly understand this reflection.  I'm learning that there is really no place to go to get away from this kind of  loss.  I'm not sure how this will impact my future adventures, but I am still learning .

JANUARY

 Growing up in an extended family, we celebrated New Year's Eve watching Guy Lombardo and the Royal Canadians. We had noisemakers, hats, and munchies. The adults had fancy cocktails, like Manhattans and Apricot Sours. The kids had ginger ale.  The evening was always mixed with laughter and tears, of both joy and sorrow for what the old year held, and what the new year might bring. When the song, "Enjoy Yourself, It's Later Than You Think" came on,  the adults nodded knowingly to one another. At midnight everyone got a flute of champagne, even the kids got a taste. Then came the midnight picnic supper.  So much fun to wrap up the holiday season surrounded by love. The group decreased in size year by year.  This year as I spent NYE with my sister and her husband, the picnic supper came early, we mixed champagne with Guinness making Black Velvets, toasted the past and the future,  and I was home by 9pm.  Advice for 2023: Enjoy Yourself It's Later Than You Think!

Guy Lombardo

 

THIS HOUSE

This house, once filled with crazy chaos, now sits empty, silent. It never followed the fads of interior design, but willed itself into sameness, an attempt to hopelessly hold on to what was inevitably going to leave. Even now, it holds the traces of the children and animals that roamed within its walls, walls that hold the echoes of shouting, laughter, tears, hellos, goodbyes, celebrations. There is love in its commitment to constancy. Even the yard holds now, the empty swing, the deflated basketball sitting below the hoop. So many moments held suspended in time, the sounds of backyard picnics and parties, and all the giggles of simple every day play. This is a house with good bones. This house is home, now and for always.

CLIPPINGS

For as long as I can remember, I've kept clippings from magazines, newspapers, old school books, computer musings, etc. Not only do I keep clippings, I hole punch them and keep them in notebooks. Don't all Virgos do this? Anyway, this one I used to print out and keep on my office bulletin board. I still like it. Enjoy!

INSTRUCTIONS FOR LIFE

1. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully. 

2. Memorize your favorite poem. 

3. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want. 

4. When you say, "I love you", mean it. 

5. When you say, "I'm sorry", look the person in the eye. 

6. Be engaged at least six months before you get married. 

7. Believe in love at first sight. 

8. Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have dreams don't have much. 

9. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely. 10. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling. 

11. Don't judge people by their relatives. 

12. Talk slowly but think quickly. 

13. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?" 

14. Remember that great love and great achievements can sometimes involve great risk. 15. Call your mom. 

16. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze. 

17. When you lose, don't lose the lesson. 

18. Remember the three R's: Respect for self, Respect for others, Responsibility for all your actions. 

19. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship. 

20. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it. 

21. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice. 

22. Marry a person you love to talk to. As you get older, it will be vital. 

23. Spend some time alone. 

24. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values. 

25. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer. 

26. Read more books and watch less TV. 

27. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll get to enjoy it a second time. 

28. Trust in God but lock your car. 

29. A loving atmosphere in your home is so important. Do all you can to create a tranquil harmonious home. 

30. In disagreements with loved ones, deal with the current situation. Don't bring up the past. 

31. Read between the lines. 

32. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality. 

33. Be gentle with the earth. 

34. Pray. There is immeasurable power in it. 

35. Never interrupt when you are being flattered. 36. Mind your own business. 

37. Don't trust a person who doesn't close their eyes when you kiss. 

38. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before. 

39. If you make a lot of money, put it to use helping others while you are living. That is wealth's greatest satisfaction. 

40. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a stroke of luck. 

41. Learn the rules, then break some. 

42. Remember that the best relationship is one where your love for each other is greater than your need for each other. 

43. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it. 

44. Remember that your character is your destiny. 45. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.

-Source unknown 

LEST YE FORGET

 What gets me through the day remains a mystery even to myself.  I'm either terrified out of my mind and so anxious about the future that I can barely breathe, or I'm serenely calm and open to all possibilities. Usually, there's no in between status. My guess is this is the norm for most people who have suffered a devastating loss. I remember when my mom lost my dad she became utterly lost and depressed. I called her every morning from work to give her a pep talk. My cohorts got quite a chuckle out of this every morning as I reviewed lists of things my mom could do to help her get up and get going. My husband, being one of my cohorts, decided to compile a list for me to use as a reference. The staff thought this was hilarious.  Recently,during one of my less than stellar grief coping moments, I came across his list and I was lifted right back to calm and much laughter. Now, some might think this kind of thing is merely a coincidence but I know it is not.  Too many mystical, cosmic, transcendental happenings occur all around me these days to dismiss such events as merely coincidences.  I'm not sure what goes on in that divine energy field beyond this dimension, but I'm positive there's another side to this life story. With a nod to Vonnegut "and so it goes .  .  ." In case you need a list, here is a gift from my husband, psychologist extraordinaire.

 

ANNIVERSARY DAY

When your beloved dies, you grieve two deaths - theirs and yours. No matter what you may think, you will never recover, nor will you ever return to whom you used to be. That part of your shared life - your shared self - is gone forever. That empty space is now part of the new you. Grief is permanent, don't let anyone tell you otherwise. But here's the thing. All of this is okay. It's okay because acknowledging your new life status is the healthiest thing you can do in forging a new way of being. In this new way of being lies your responsibility in finding new purpose, new joy, new happiness and new memories. Allow grief to always make you stronger and improved. It won't be easy and it will be painful. But you must do it! It's how you honor both deaths!

LEGACY OF LOVE

"Do not lose hope — what you seek will be found. Trust ghosts. Trust those that you have helped to help you in their turn. Trust dreams. Trust your heart, and trust your story." (from Instructions by Neil Gaiman)

A life lived in love. This sums up my life so far. As a sentimentalist, my belongings, of course, include all written correspondence accumulated across a lifetime. Grandparents, parents and my own. My grandmother saved all the special holiday cards from my grandpa - I read them all, I saw their love in words and in their everyday lives. Living in an extended family, I had a front row seat. My mom had saved all her love letters from my dad, written to her while he served in the Navy during WW2. The letters were beautiful and reflected the innocence of their youth. I took possession of these love letters and my grandmother's cards by rescuing them from the garbage when my parents moved from NJ to SC. Years later after my dad passed, I gave my dad's letters back to my mom. After she passed, I was never able to find them again. But at least I had them in memory. My parents and grandparents provided a home where love was freely given and celebrated in immeasurable ways. Since I was seven, I've saved all the correspondence I've received. In retirement I've enjoyed spending time reading these cards and letters and feeling the feels of love all over again. These are my most treasured possessions. To see the person's handwriting, to hold that which they once held, to read their thoughts - it is like experiencing the past in the present. These letters from family and friends allow me an intimate review of my life. And from this review I have come to see, and feel, and know, all that love again. It doesn't get better than this. Love. It's what sustains us all. I hope I have shared that love through my life in honor of those who showed me so much love. I hope it showed up in the cards and letters I've written too.

PROM DATE

Do you remember going to the prom? As a teenager I attended an all girl prep school. As was customary back in the day we had an affiliation with a "brother" school where we engaged in social activities. It was set up so Catholic youth could co-mingle under the watchful eye of the religious. Just recently a prom date from this time period contacted me via the LinkedIn app. It iwas a very bittersweet experience to hear from someone from so long ago. Yet, no matter how many years had passed between us, there is so much of that young boy that has remained the same. Our LinkedIn contact eventually led to an in person visit which was just so delightful! We laughed about our experiences with love, faith and family. We agreed how lucky we were to have come of age under such innocent times as part of loving families and great school systems. Our only major differences were mainly political and we laughed about this realizing that some things really do not change - he was always a conservative, and I was always a liberal. I feel so fortunate to have had this time with an old friend. Recently, I was able to complete work on a project for which he asked for my help. It's gratifying to know that collaboration between friends knows no time barriers or political biases. There is much kindness and hope in this world if only we remember to be "*curious and not judgemental". 

(*Ted Lasso character line).

INTER-OFFICE MEMO

Right after my 18th birthday, I quit college - Rosemont College. And of course, a boy was involved. My parents were less than pleased, and on my first day home I needed to secure a job by order of my father. That's when I met my first boss, Mr. Horace C. Rush. Mr. Horace Rush hired me as a travel counselor at the American Automobile Club. Prior to this I had no significant job experience other than part-time sales work at the Bamberger's Department store. But I did have an avid love of travel. Fresh off a phenomenal trip to the British Isles, and being a recent college dropout, I knew the travel business was for me! I also desperately needed a job if I hoped to return to college. Mr. Rush was a man of many talents but his real gift was the ability to give people in his charge confidence and unconditional support. He helped all his employees become the best versions of themselves, both on and off the job. Before office emails became the norm, people of my vintage will recall the use of these small rectangular pads with the title, "Inter-office Memo". Like the current use of office emails, receiving an Inter-office Memo usually meant more work, or worse, a critiqué of your work. To ease the tension of office stress, Mr. Rush would often send out extremely humorous memos which punctuated our office with fits of uncontrollable laughter! This man set the bar for what I would want and expect of all my future bosses. Under Mr. Rush's tutelage, I worked my way up to assistant office manager. And during those years I was able to both travel and complete my education. It broke my heart to leave the Auto Club for my first teaching job, but Mr. Rush and I remained life long friends until he passed away. His generosity of the heart remains with me. He was an important part of my young adulthood and significantly impacted my life. One of my sweetest and funniest memories of him was his sending telegrams to each of my hotels while I was on an overseas trip. The telegrams took the form of the Inter-office Memo. Each one stating a humorous quip with the proviso, "Have Fun. Return home. Your work is waiting for you!" I still have those telegrams❤️ And because of the working climate he fostered, I remain friends with each of my Auto Club co-workers from more than fifty years ago! 

HANDWRITTEN

There is so much I love about the technology of instant communication.  Yet, I still miss the handwritten letters people used to exchange with one another. I get so excited when I  receive a letter from a friend or family member. I love seeing their handwriting and knowing their touch was on the message. The loss of handwritten communication is hard for someone like me. I have saved letters and cards since I was about seven years old. I have considered every piece of personal mail a treasure. Sometimes I look through old birthday cards just to read what my grandparents wrote to me so long ago. I can still feel the enormity of their love in their written birthday messages. And then there are the encouraging notes from my mom and mother-in-law during the tough years of being a young mother. The postcard pictured at the top was written by my great Uncle Joe to his sister, my grandmother, during  the first World War. To just hold this card, that was sent from France in the middle of a world war, is to hold a piece of history. It is to hold a piece of timeless love of a young soldier for his family.  Even more significant is that Joe was born in Portugal but didn't hesitate to fight for his newly adopted country. So much meaning and love found in written letters like this will be lost to the future generations because correspondence is now stored somewhere in internet data heaven- never to be held or read again.  The fine nuances of handwritten conversations will be forever lost. I think this is just sad.

BTW *tongue in cheek use of text jargon *  I miss postscripts.

PS: write back soon.

PROMISCUOUS CATHOLICISM AND ASH WEDNESDAY

Author and poet, Mary Karr, once described herself as a promiscuous Catholic. She admitted to hanging out with many different church communities. When I first heard her say this I thought, my God, someone else gets it! Although her descriptions of Catholicism sound somewhat irreverent on initial contact, her observations are quite profound. She speaks of attending church as akin to attending a magic show. Really? But think about it. Who doesn't love magic and mystery? I get that this image might be found offensive by some. But for me the elements of mystery and, yes, magic, draw me back time and time again to the unknowable. Approaching the age of 70, spending twelve years in Catholic school, and 69 years within promiscuous Catholicism, I still feel the draw to the Lenten journey. I still feel the need to discover what's behind the mystery and the magic. I think in doing so I'll find my way home. Today the journey begins again.

EVEN IN AUSTRALIA

"I went to sleep with gum in my mouth and now there's gum in my hair and when I got out of bed this morning I tripped on the skateboard and by mistake I dropped my sweater in the sink while the water was running and I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day."

(Judith Viorst, Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day)

Some days just go down hard. Things just, well, go wrong. Reality can just plain suck. No need to go into the litany of things that went awry, suffice it to say today I felt like moving to Australia. All the feel-good memes on Facebook were not going to be any kind of cure for this sh**storm. But hour by hour passes and you get through the day hoping to put it all away, have some milk and cookies before bed, listen to some great music, and read. After all, as I understand it, "It was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day" and" some days are like that. Even in Australia." (Judith Viorst, Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day) I feel you Alexander, I feel you little man.

LOVE . . . ACTUALLY

February is the love month - wine, roses, chocolate and Valentines.  Here's some things I've learned about love over a lifetime of wine and roses. Happy hearts month!

1. Love partnerships take work, lots and lots of work, and a little luck.

2. Communication is key to getting along but the timing of communication is equally important.

3. Separate interests and activities are good as long as there are shared ones as well.

4. Cheerleading for each other is a requirement!

5. Never underestimate the importance of honor and respect. 

6. Humor is a necessary ingredient for a successful romantic partnership!

7. Never argue or disagree in a disparaging manner - ever, especially not in public!

8. Always say thank you to each other!

9. Always say, I love you .

10. Always kiss each other in the morning, when you leave, and before you go to bed.

PS : Love is always worth it!

THE SACREDNESS OF WORK

Every morning a friend posts a picture of her artwork with an appropriate piece of prose. Today she posted a Celtic blessing with a phrase I particularly keyed into - "the sacredness of work". I just love this because how wonderful would it be if we viewed everyone in our daily lives as people performing sacred acts of work. If I've learned anything through this damn pandemic, it's a renewed appreciation for the helpers in our daily lives. I am especially grateful for those who dutifully show up, smile and make life more bearable just by being decent human beings! We are all starving for joy but it's sometimes right there in front of us - grinning! Hello! Thanks for showing up today! 

Illustration from Pinterest

TRUE NORTH

So many, many times during the past few months I've had this feeling of losing my way. I wasn't sure which direction I should follow. The phrase, "lost in space", aptly defined my navigational system. I justed wanted to find my way back "home". I wanted to find my way back to all the comforts and safety structures of time and place. Nothing in my purview seemed familiar or made sense anymore. I wasn't even sure that I was mentally functioning appropriately. There were inexplicable confrontations (but definitely deserved in my opinion), sketchy feelings of "flight" rather than "fight", and a general sense of purposelessness (if this is even a word). I needed to present a front of holding it ltogether so family and friends wouldn't be worried. And, in all practical purposes, this was true. But inside my head was the face of that famous "Scream" picture by Edvard Munch. I was functioning in a dream state that I knew I would wake up from - but didn't. Then there was that one pivotal moment when at 2:00 a.m., I decided to put my car outside of the garage so I could sweep out all the leaves that had blown in - and also to just scream and cry a little, even hoping a black bear would come in and put me out of my misery. But for some reason I went over to a Woolrich hunting coat hanging in the garage and put my hand into the pockets hoping to find an answer to this madness. And there it was - a tiny compass, and somehow in that moment, I knew I would find my way back home. A friend recently held my hand and reminded me that there are no coincidences in this life, just signs pointing the way.

"You’re my true north. No compass would point me in any other direction but to you."

 -Kristen Hope Mazzola, Crashing Back Down

SOMETHING'S HAPPENING HERE

It feels like the last two years has been some kind of apocalyptic episode. Was it like this for those who lived through the pandemic of 1918. Every afternoon I watch the local school bus drop off students. I've always enjoyed watching this everyday scene play out - kids bouncing off the bus, happily chatting with friends - lighthearted, not a care in the world. Today, I watched them solemnly lumber off the bus, heads down, silently walking home. I was overcome with such sadness at the sight of these children, so seemingly burdened by the world. I sobbed uncontrollably. How have we come to this? Children so unhappy. Covid has weakened the spirit of everyone and it's taken its toll on our children. Our government, our people, have failed to be grownups; and our children are paying the price. Some days are just so damn hard.

Photo by Blended Images

WHERE DO I GO FROM HERE?

A friend stopped by the other day. We hadn't seen each other since 1973. "So", my friend asks, "where do you go from here?" Good question, right? One that I get asked quite frequently. But to be honest, I don't have the foggiest idea what comes next. When catastrophic change erupts into your life, there is this sense of surrealness that lingers all around you like a foggy mist. My friend tells me that the question comes out of love and concern knowing that I need to start the hard work of finding a new purpose. In my head I know this, and I also trust that this epiphany will manifest itself when the time is right. I tell this to my friend who seemed somewhat satisfied with my response, at least enough to move on to reminiscing about our lives and catching each other up on what we've been doing the last fifty years. To be honest, I almost declined this visit but it turned out to be a true gift as we recalled our past times together and how these memories contributed so much to who we are today - how important those early friendships in life are! We laughed, we cried, and we were grateful - and we were surprised to be able to pick up the conversation right where we left off in 1973. Our three brief hours together erased the almost 50 year time lapse. Where do I go from here? Time will tell my friend. But the journey is less scary when you have friends cheering you on. That much I know for sure.