ADVENT WEEK ONE

My former parish priest used to read reflections at daily Mass from books by a priest named Carroll Stuhlmueller, C.P.  I loved Stuhlmueller's poetic biblical meditations. His style of interpretation touched me deeply. I voraciously searched online bookstores until I found and purchased copies of his reflections for each liturgical season. Here is an excerpt from his Tuesday, First Week of Advent. 

"Only strong and dedicated adults can remain persons of faith when their life seems cut down and nothing seems to remain of their hopes. All of us have lived through such harrowing experiences. All of us who have dreamed our best dreams have felt betrayed by what we considered our very best! People who hope for little, lose little and suffer less. Our best and most unselfish hopes often let us down the hardest.

Prayer:

Grant us the strength to dream out our best thoughts, the heroism to persevere through their collapse, the childlikeness to be reborn anew so that the mystery of hope be manifest in our lives. No life is ever lost, only transformed into its most mysterious possibility."

THANKSGIVING 101

To give thanks. That is what everyone does on a special Thursday in November. So,  here's the thing. Despite having faced the worst day in my life, I do give thanks this year. Do I dare say that in giving thanks this year, that I also find great joy. For forty years I was loved and cherished. Every. Single. Day. It almost seems unbelievable as I write this, but it's true. Sometimes I can't even wrap my mind around how lucky I was to have such love. It hurts like hell to be missing that love now, but oh how grateful I am for the experience of it all. For this I will be eternally thankful and, yes, joyful in the memories of it all.  

"To live in this world

you must be able

to do three things:

to love what is mortal;

to hold it

against your bones knowing

your own life depends on it;

and, when the time comes to let it

go,

to let it go." 

By Mary Oliver

 Happy Thanksgiving!

GRANDMA IDA

My guess is this picture was taken right before my dad was sent to the South Pacific during WW2. I can see my Grandma Ida and my dad trying to put on brave smiles for the camera. I treasure these old photos that hold the memories of my family. I look at my grandma's face and wonder what she felt as seven of her eight sons and one of her four daughters served in the military.  Grandma was a tiny woman with towering strength.  She raised twelve children - alone. Her husband was an alcoholic and a womanizer, always promising to be better, but wasn't. I only met my grandfather a few times, but I saw that he was a handsome charmer and smooth talker.  Grandma never complained nor spoke against him. She simply did what she had to do to take care of all her children by going to work, while the older children pitched in to help out. Grandma taught her children, and her grandchildren, the importance of being family no matter what. She loved fiercely without judgement. Her hugs could get you through anything you might be facing. Her cooking nourished your body, and her love nourished your spirit. Because of Grandma Ida, our family shares a bond that can never be broken. For me personally, I was blessed with the best of dads, and a bevy of aunts and uncles and their spouses who were a rich part of my life, giving me cousins I loved fiercely, all 43 of them. I think it's important to know your people, the tribe to which you belong, the tribe that will always be there for you. My Grandma's life was a testimonial to endurance, and most importantly, to great love. As busy as her life was she took the time to show a ten year old how to knit and crochet, and I think of her every time I pick up my needles. To have had two amazing grandmothers as role models is a gift life has given me, an inherited strength that gets me through the ups and downs that come my way. I feel them with me every day.

NANNY

In this photo my Nanny is about 36 years old. She is with my Aunt Alice walking along some avenue in Newark. By this time she is a young widow with two young daughters. The year is about 1939. I love everything about this photo and wonder who took this picture and why. It is such a great shot of a mom on an ordinary day. How I wish I had thought to ask my grandmother more about her life and what she thought of being 69 years old, the age I am now. At 69 she was still taking the train to Newark everyday to her job as a telephone operator. At 69 she had endured so many tragic losses. At 69 she embraced each day with inner joy and energy. At 69 she went with me to Spain and Portugal for two weeks, walking the tours dressed to the nines in stockings and heels, and dancing at the clubs in the evenings. She was truly an amazing woman. I miss her every day. Don't get me wrong. I had an equally phenomenal mother, but my grandmother was more sympatico with me when it came to issues of the heart. She knew just the right thing to say, how much to help and how much to stand back. When I reflect upon her life as a way to tap in to her wisdom and perseverance, I can almost hear her say to me, "Adele, you have to just pull yourself up by your bootstraps and keep on going. There is no other choice." Okay, Nan, I can do the hard stuff too. I can pull up those bootstraps just like you did so many times.

TMI AND TMJ

Believe me, I have been one of those people who roll my eyes when someone shares too much information (TMI). But I need to share the following because I think trauma is something most people experience. If the trauma is severe enough, it can often trigger physiological problems making day to day functioning an uphill battle. This is when it may be necessary to get help from a licensed therapist. There should be no hesitancy in seeking professional help. Personally, I strongly believe in cognitive behavioral therapy. Throughout my life, beginning at the age of 27, I have used therapy to get me through rough patches. Back in 2014, when I was diagnosed with PTSD, therapy helped me manage the dibilitating anxiety and the sudden onset of panic attacks. Today I was diagnosed with TMJ which is causing jaw and ear pain. My family physician says this could be related to stress and recommended that I consider therapy if it continues to be problematic. In doing some research I learned that "the cause of TMJ disorder isn't always known, but research has shown a strong link between PTSD and temporomandibular joint dysfunction (TMJ). Someone with PTSD is operating in a constant “fight or flight” mode. They anticipate danger at every turn, and their body responds accordingly." I have been living in this "flight or fight" mode for almost two years constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. Well, the other shoe dropped, and now I am dealing with the fallout and the stress. If the stress and TMJ do not soon dissipate, I most certainly will return to therapy. And there is no shame in that. Therapy is certainly better than suffering in silence or self-medicating with drugs and alcohol. TMI, maybe, but I'm sharing this as a message of hope to whomever needs it.  If trauma has made you sick,  get therapy and get relief. Your family doctor can help you locate a licensed therapist.