LITTLE BY LITTLE

Little by little the pieces of a broken life get put back together. Things start to normalize. New routines get put into place. Time marches on. While grief still looms in the background like a ever constant shadow, a new sense of freedom slowly begins to emerge. The old rules and expectations of how things should be no longer apply. Things can be done differently. Traditions can be held or not held. No. - really is a complete sentence. Now life gets a new design of how things might be. I won't have to cook Thanksgiving dinner this year, and I'd really like to spend it differently. This year I'd like to sit back with a great big cup of coffee and watch the Macy's Day Parade from start to finish. Then, while still lounging in my PJs, I'd like to take in the dog show and then, while enjoying my pre-prepared Turkey Gobbler (WaWa), I'd like to watch Miracle on 34th Street. I don't want to make small talk. I don't want to plaster on a fake smile for the day. I want to be home for the holiday surrounded by my beautiful memories of a beautiful life. It's a comfort to me to be in the home that brings me joy. This plan sounds just right for me this year. Who knows, next year might be completely different! Like I said there are no set rules anymore. 

  

WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN

It hasn't been a particularly spectacular Fall this year in the mountains. Although, there are some pretty spectacular trees hinting at what could have been. "What could have been" seems to be the operative phrase lately for a lot of people. It's easy to get stuck in melancholia but it's not a safe place to stay. Melancholia too easily allows a pile up of "woe is me" artifacts - broken pipes, dead mouse in the wall, holes in walls and ceilings to replace pipes, half painted house, dirty carpets from repair guys, etc. Yet, the rain finally stops, the sun shines down on beautiful brisk autumn days, pipes get replaced, holes get repaired, house gets painted, and carpets can be cleaned. As for the mouse, he still stinks in the wall! But, hey, silver linings on the rest of it. And today there will be spectacular music from the Glenn Miller band at Penn"s Peak. Time to replace "what could have been" with "what ifs"! What if you just moved ahead with what is! Carpe diem !

REACHING OUT

It really doesn't matter how old you are, or what life circumstance you find yourself in. Everyone needs to be seen, to be heard, to be comforted. I know whenever I feel overwhelmed, I first try to remind myself that I need to learn how to reach out and ask for help. This is a very humbling proposition for me because I've always seen myself as fiercely independent. Life circumstances made me so. But now, I know asking for help, asking to be seen, to be heard, to be comforted is absolutely necessary for survival. Life is tough and we need other. We need to reach out and we need to let people reach out to us. Whether you are the young parent at home overwhelmed by child rearing responsibilities, the senior citizen overwhelmed by struggling to keep up with the demands of everyday living, or the single person overwhelmed by isolation and loneliness, we need each other. In this current era of division and fingerpointing, it is more important than ever to fight back against this environment of meanness and remember how good kindness feels. This all can start with each one of us doing what we can to be there for one another. I see you. I hear you. I understand. Sounds good, right?

SO HERE'S THE THING

 After one and half months into widowhood here's what I've learned. Have that glass of wine but keep it at one - any more than that will throw you into a crying jag. Also, when the funeral director says don't worry about social security benefits because they will be automatic once they are notified by the funeral home. This is a big f***ing lie. You need to set up an appointment. After two months of no increased benefits I called Social Security and got an appointment to fix this situation but the first available appointment is December 3. So okay, this is really helping to push me into the anger phase of grief. You feel me yet?

Next up is the lovely state of New Jersey where my husband worked as servant in education for over 40 years and I for over 32 years. The Teacher's Pension and Annuity Fund are just the real motherf****ers of all time. Notified by fax on August 30 (one day after he died) with death certificate and funeral home verification, and with seven plus phone calls, I still do not even have the claim forms to file for my pension benefits guaranteed by the state. I was also informed that once they get the claim forms it will be three to six months before I start receiving my legal pension benefits. Wow! So glad I was an educator. *sarcasm*

Well, I guess I should be grateful that the sh**t h*"le state of New Jersey doesn't disappoint. Why am I writing this? To let all currently recently widowed persons know that once the initial shock wears off, you will need to get up and show up to fight - every. single. day. - for what is legally owed you. No one in the financial world gives two sticks about your loss. The bills keep coming in and the bastards who owe you your rightful money keep their tight greedy fists on it. I'm sure they count on the bereaved to just give up. But guess what Jersey? I was born in New Jersey and raised to be a street fighter!

Oh, I'm sure there's more fun coming my way. Stay tuned. Meanwhile, I'm still waiting for the painters and plumbers and wallboard guys to finish their damn contracted jobs. My apologies if my tirade offends anyone's sensitivities. Not!

Phew! That felt good. Now, I'll have that glass of wine! *smiling now* 

SHENANIGANS AND STUFF

What can I say? This picture reminds me of my mom and dad - my fearless, fun-loving parents who just never grew up! As fate would have it these two screwballs found each other and married. How lucky to grow up with parents who never lost their sense of fun and play - parents who went sledding with us, ice skating with us, camping with us, played cards with us, did arts and crafts with us, helped with stage productions and parade floats, and even dressed up and went trick or treating with us. They taught us the meaning of celebrating all of life's events, big and small. We were beyond rich in the amount of love and joy found in those moments of play and laughter. I am so glad I had the chance to tell both of them how much I loved and appreciated them for the life they gave me, and for making parenting an art form.

IT'S ALL CUMULATIVE

It's all cumulative. Whether it's joy or sorrow, the moments and experiences of life pile up. No one tells you when you're four or five years old that your sixty nine year old self will replay seemingly insignificant scenarios over and over again in your head. Why? What hope or answers can be found in the looking back at the past. I'd like to think that replaying the beautiful moments, the happy moments counteracts and balances out the sad times. Being grateful for the memories of love and joy can even tip the balance and you realize just what an amazing life you have been living! Happy Sunday!

WHAT'S IT LIKE?

How are you doing? I'm okay. Are you sure? I'm not sure of anything anymore. Are you eating? Sure, I'm eating. Are you sleeping okay? Yes, every night for about five hours. Are you getting washed and dressed and getting out? Yup, I'm doing all those things. Do you have a therapist if it all becomes too much? Yes, I know of a therapist I can call. Do you need anything? I don't think so. Will you promise to reach out if you do need something? Yes, I promise. What's it like? Well, it's like being a pariah that people want to avoid, and it's like being a stray, that people want to rescue. It's like driving in a car on a beautiful day, and then not being able to see through the tears that come out of nowhere. It's like trying to maintain a connection to all the things that make up your life. It's like getting through just this one day, and then the next. It's like making peace with the quiet and the emptiness. It's like trying to remember that life goes on . . .it's like being so grateful for family and friends who care enough to ask the hard questions. 

THE HAPPY PLACE

Yesterday, I gathered with our children and grandchildren, along with Jim's only cousin at our family's Pocono cabin. We held a picnic on what would have been Jim's 79th birthday. The cabin is our family's Happy Place. Pocohanna Colony has been part of Jim's family since the early 1930's. Five generations of memories! We gathered in love and joy for the wonderful man who filled our lives with so much laughter and many, many stories. There were no tears, just smiles of shared appreciation and gratitude for the many blessings of being family to one another. This is the final gift Jim gave us and we will carry on his legacy of family, fun and picnics. 

OCTOBER

There is this sweet memory of walking around the block with my friends in Edison, NJ. We are laughing and kicking up leaves. It is an early October evening just seconds before sunset. Lights are coming on in the houses. There's a wonderful smell of burning leaves in the air. As was the style in 1966, I am wearing a wool CPO shirt- jacket, jeans and desert boots. We are all headed back to our homes for dinner with promises to meet after school the next day. For some reason this day is etched in my memory because it was one of those just perfect October sunsets and I was standing on the precipice between childhood and young adulthood where innocence ruled and everything was still possible.